DENVER, CO - Citing recent reports of food safety concerns in many locations nationwide, the fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle (CMG) unveiled a new featured item on their menu, the All-Sourcream Burrito. The burrito, an 18-inch wheat or flour tortilla wrapped haphazardly around two cups of sour cream, is being touted as the tent-pole menu item as the restaurant chain attempts to win back the trust of their customers. With zero stale lettuce or poorly-inspected chorizo rife with E. coli, the burrito, known as the ASB, is minimally susceptible to food borne diseases. Sour cream is pre-cultured with safe bacteria that gives a familiar tangy taste. For gluten-free customers, the All-Sourcream Burrito also comes without the tortilla in a bowl.
Although some patrons are skeptical of the ASB’s nutritional benefits and palatability, newly installed CEO Brian Niccol has praised the burrito as a “delight to the senses” as well as “probably not going to make you shit your brains out”. Chipotle assures burrito eaters that the ASB will be rolled out across the nation in the coming months as franchisees come back online after scrubbing their kitchens of vermin and disease.
Niccol is confident is the ASB’s prospects to turn the company around as he was responsible for rival Taco Bell (YUM) preventing further outbreaks in their chain by replacing all the ground beef with flavored wood pulp and asbestos.