Labor
Want to Get Ahead at the Office? Try Microdosing PCP
OAKLAND, CA – American workers are increasingly receptive to microdosing at work to increase creativity and productivity, but what happens when everyone has the same advantage to get ahead? Some...
Elves Denied Bathroom Breaks to Meet Toy Quotas
NORTH POLE – Half-finished toys strewn about, workers asleep on the assembly line, urine-soaked yule logs: welcome to Santa’s Workshop. Behind its immaculately-curated public image, life at the North Pole...
'Boomer Worse than N-word' Says Executive Who Regularly Wore Blackface
ROSSLYN, VA – As the Ok Boomer meme sweeps the nation, it has bristled some of the older Americans it characterizes. “Hate speech will not be tolerated,” declared one victim...
South Carolina Becomes 10th State to Impose Work Requirement for Unemployment Benefits
COLUMBIA, S.C. – Riding on a wave of support from the Trump administration, South Carolina has announced stricter conditions on state-funded unemployment benefits, requiring Carolinians to prove that that they...
President Says Federal Agencies Cannot Discriminate on Basis of Impeachment Status
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an historic first for a president with sharp history of narrowing definitions of workplace discrimination, President Trump has asked the Office of Personnel Management to add...
Cursed Teleconference Haunted by Ghost Mouse Pointer
BETHESDA, MD - It was a dark and story late afternoon when the assembled Sales and Operations teams at Chevy Chase Regional Bank, many from throughout the Greater D.C. area,...
Subway Offering Tuition Assistance for Degrees in the Sandwich Arts
MILFORD, CT - Known for its fast food footlongs and overpowering bread smells, Subways Restaurants will soon add another bullet to its resume, patron of the arts. A new program...
NYC FakeTaxi Drivers Are Struggling in the Age of FakeUber
NEW YORK CITY - If you want to know the effect FakeUber and FakeLyft are having on New York City’s FakeTaxi yellow cabs, just take a ride in the backseat...
Starbucks Reserve Called Up for 3rd Wave Coffee Offensive
SEATTLE - The coffee chain Starbucks has issued emergency call up orders to hundreds of Reserve battalions in light of a new cold brew and ethically-sourced blitzkrieg by various small-batch...
President Trump Recognizes 'Brave Pullman Railroad Executives' Who Made Labor Day Possible
CHICAGO - At a stump speech commemorating Labor Day on the South Side of Chicago, President Trump took note of the “brave men (and they were certainly men, no women...
'Do What You Love and You'll Never Work a Day in Your Life' Proclaims Used Urinal Cake Taste Tester
PATTERSON, NJ - “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life,” proclaims used urinal cake taste tester.
HR Adopts Haptic Feedback System
PHOENIX, AZ - The local human resources department of global accounting firm KPMG has implemented a haptic system to relay immediate feedback to employees. This novel form of communication uses...
Socialist Icon Gritty Testifies for Welfare Reform
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Champion of the people on and off the ice, Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot Gritty arrived at the nation’s capitol this week to appear before the House Ways and...
New Rent Reform from Albany Allows Tenants to Crash at Landlord's Pad Just Whenever
ALBANY, NY - Sweeping changes from the New York State legislature have begun to restore rent regulations eroded by the real estate industry over decades, and have importantly enshrines the...
Puppy Mill Under Investigation by Puppy Labor Bureau
KNOXVILLE, TN - Reports of abuse at puppy mills are not new, but this week a flour mill owned by the Sara Lee is being heavily scrutinized by the Puppy...
ExxonMobile Celebrates Pride Month by Dumping Rainbow Oil Sheen Across Arctic
ANCHORAGE, AK - In a show of solidarity with the LGBT community during Pride Month many companies have unveiled new logos that incorporates the rainbow flag, but only ExxonMobile has...
People Cheese Startup Acquires Maternity Wards Throughout State
LANCASTER, PA - A darling of the food technology space, DareY (pronounced “dairy”), rapidly accelerated their growth this week through the purchase of multiple maternity wards in Eastern Pennsylvania. Although...
Top Business School Bans Free Coffee, Cites 'Communist Scourge'
NEW YORK CITY, NY - The world of elite education is no stranger to controversy or ideology, but one institution may have gone too far; Columbia Business School has halted...
Panhandler Extends Omni Channel Presence
AUSTIN, TX - As the digital revolution continues to spread, tech-savvy individuals in every industry have found success – and panhandling is no exception. Bivouacked on Red River Street between...
Management Tells Abraham to Bring Intern to Sacrifice
PITTSBURGH, PA - Early this week senior executives at Kraft Heinz (KHC) directed Director of Supply Chain Operations Robert Abraham to take his only MBA intern and sacrifice him as...
Satanic Orgy Also Networking Event
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, LOWER MANHATTAN - The Society of Baphomet, an ancient cult devoted to orgiastic rites, held their first networking get-together of the spring this week in a cavernous, underground...
Isn't Corporate America Diverse Enough?
NEW YORK, NY - There seems to have been a quite the kerfuffle lately about certain firms and their recent promotion practices. Now I’ve been in the corporate world for...
TSA Employees Resort to Loose Change from X-Ray Conveyor Amid Gov Shutdown
MIAMI, FL - As the longest U.S. government shutdown in history slogs into its fourth week with no end in sight, Transportation Security Administration officials have resorted to making up...
Your Entire Team Could Keep Their Jobs with Money Consultants Got to Fire You
YOUR OFFICE - Citing revenue numbers that failed to reach projections, consultants from Bain & Company have recommended that your team be mostly eliminated although their retained fees are far...
Apple Discovers that Underpaid Chinese Laborers Can't Afford $1,000 iPhones
SHENZHEN, CHINA - As Apple (AAPL) posts disappointing revenue projections for the coming year, mainly due to slower sales in China, analysts at the company have been scrambling to pinpoint...
Sexual Harassment Condoned at Uber to Temper IPO Expectations
SAN FRANCISCO - Having filed it’s S-1 with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last days of 2018, the ride-hailing service Uber is expected to launch it’s initial public...
Reservist Coworker 'Deploys', Gets Paid to Drink, Party in San Diego
ATLANTA, GA - Associate claims adjuster Gary Gaviola from the Metlife (MET) regional office in Atlanta has reportedly “deployed” again with his U.S. Navy Reserve unit, which is conducting training...
