MILFORD, CT - Known for its fast food footlongs and overpowering bread smells, Subways Restaurants will soon add another bullet to its resume, patron of the arts. A new program unveiled this week will provide the opportunity for all Sandwich Artists at nearly 42,000 locations to pursue a higher degree in the sandwich arts debt-free, as have rivals in recent months.
Chief Executive Officer Trevor Haynes says that he has set aside $50 million to establish an artists retreat in rural New England, near Multigrain Loaf Mountain, to “pursue the highest reaches of Sandwich Artistry and Excellence.” Throughout the intensive curriculum, budding sandwich artists will undergo advanced practical courses such as “Balling-up Roast Beef Slices” and “Keeping Bread Fresh for Two Days with Cellophane” as well as theoretical exercises like “How Much Italian Dressing is Too Much?” and “The Origin of Pre-Sliced Olives.” The initiative, Mr. Haynes boats, will advance human understanding of Sandwich Arts by years while at the same time providing a quality, applicable education to all members of the Subway family.
“Just think,” Haynes muses, “how magnificent the Library of Alexandria would have smelled with Italian Herbs and Cheese wafting through the air. Soon, Subway will realize this dream for any Sandwich Artist willing to craft his skills with the masters.”