General
United CEO Assures Air Travel is '100% Safe' while Furiously Chugging Emergen-C
CHICAGO - Amid the wave of quarantines, bans on corporate travel, and a growing death toll, Oscar Munoz, the chief executive of United Airlines, spoke to the press to allay...
Private Sidewalk Startup Tests Market for NYC Elite
NEW YORK CITY - Have you ever wished for a fast-lane on a busy sidewalk for your morning commute, or maybe a wider, more luxurious lane to enjoy a weekend...
Bob Iger to be Installed in Splash Mountain
BURBANK, CA – Robert “Bob” Iger, longtime chief executive of The Walt Disney Company, announced yesterday that he would be steeping down effectively immediately to focus on his new role...
Westminster To Allow On-Dog Sponsorships
NEW YORK CITY – This week the most-famed dog show in America is dipping its toes into new opportunities to increase revenue and viewership by allowing some sponsors to advertise...
Raytheon Warns Customer Lifetime Value of Missiles Approaching All-Time Lows
WALTHAM, MA – At Raytheon’s Chief Executive Officer Tom Kennedy warned shareholders of plummeting value of the firm’s missile product line unless the United States, as well as the rest...
Goop Laboratory Scientists Achieve Quantum Vagina
SANTA MONICA, CA – Top scientists celebrated a momentous discovery this week, the first confirmed instance of a quantum vagina under controlled conditions. The institution behind the research, Goop Laboratories,...
Honk Kong Disneyland Euthanizes Sneezing Mickey Mascot
HONG KONG – “We couldn’t take any chances,” lamented James Lee, a spokesman for the theme park, when it was announced earlier this week that the beloved Disney mascot had...
MTA President Quits; Masked Vigilante Improving Train Delays Emerges
NEW YORK CITY - Andy Byford, the beleaguered head of the MTA who was brought in to fix the ailing transit system two years ago, announced his resignation Thursday. Mr....
Want to Get Ahead at the Office? Try Microdosing PCP
OAKLAND, CA – American workers are increasingly receptive to microdosing at work to increase creativity and productivity, but what happens when everyone has the same advantage to get ahead? Some...
IBM Bets Big on Pivot to Unprofessional Services
ARMONK, NY – With better-than-expected earnings to round out the last quarter, senior leadership at Big Blue (IBM) announced during their annual earnings call how they intend to generate value...
New TikTok Security Flaw Allows Users to View How They Die
LOS ANGELES – According to research by a leading cybersecurity firm, a serious vulnerability has allowed some users of the social media network TikTok to view their own deaths at...
Blood Bank Repossesses Woman's Blood after She Fails to Repay Transfusion
NEWTOWN, OH – A local woman is in dire straits again five months after surviving a near-fatal car accident because the blood she received from her local blood bank has...
Vintage Mountain Dew Black Label, Once Owned by Napoleon, Auctioned for $1.6M
NEW YORK CITY – A 205-year-old can of Black Label Mountain Dew became the most expensive bottle of wine ever sold at auction, fetching $1,580,000. Sotheby’s announced on Monday that...
The Long Con: How Carlos Ghosn Escaped in the Glove Box of His Nissan Altima
TOKYO – “We thought it was strange when he told us to make the glove box large enough for a 60-year-old Lebanese man,” recalls Akira Miyamoto, lead automotive designer on...
Peloton Stock Plummets After Bikes Fail Road Test
NEW YORK CITY – Peloton (PTON), the exercise equipment company, is “taking a step back to reassess” after their luxury bicycle failed multiple road tests earlier this week. The setback...
Elves Denied Bathroom Breaks to Meet Toy Quotas
NORTH POLE – Half-finished toys strewn about, workers asleep on the assembly line, urine-soaked yule logs: welcome to Santa’s Workshop. Behind its immaculately-curated public image, life at the North Pole...
'Boomer Worse than N-word' Says Executive Who Regularly Wore Blackface
ROSSLYN, VA – As the Ok Boomer meme sweeps the nation, it has bristled some of the older Americans it characterizes. “Hate speech will not be tolerated,” declared one victim...
Pornhub Introduces Family Accounts
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South Carolina Becomes 10th State to Impose Work Requirement for Unemployment Benefits
COLUMBIA, S.C. – Riding on a wave of support from the Trump administration, South Carolina has announced stricter conditions on state-funded unemployment benefits, requiring Carolinians to prove that that they...
Disney Facing Backlash for Leaked 'Mandalorian Holiday Special'
BURBANK, CA – Star Wars fans rejoiced when Disney (DIS) first aired The Mandalorian as the flagship program of its new streaming service Disney+, but many have been rankled after...
Tesla Cybertruck Predicted by iCarly Episode in 2011
PALO ALTO, CA – Life often imitates art, and Elon Musk’s breakthrough electric truck is no exception; careful observers have noticed that a strikingly similar vehicle can be seen in...
President Says Federal Agencies Cannot Discriminate on Basis of Impeachment Status
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an historic first for a president with sharp history of narrowing definitions of workplace discrimination, President Trump has asked the Office of Personnel Management to add...
Perdue Farms Reaches Deal to Buy Presidentially-Pardoned Turkey for $1.3 Million
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Another storied White House tradition has been altered this week by President Trump, who announced today that the turkeys to be pardoned on Thanksgiving will then be...
'Papa John' Schnatter Mainlining Sauce and Cheese to Become the Super Villain Humanity Cannot Ignore
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Coca-Cola Courts China for Deep Fresca Reserves
TIANJIN PROVINCE - President Trump’s trade war with the world’s most populist country may have some U.S. firms and investors wary of the future, but for Coca-Cola (KO), their outlook...
Report: Ultra-Rich Hermit Crabs Hiding Assets in Caribbean Shell Companies
ST. GEORGE’S, GRENADA - Although nearly four years have passed since the explosive revaluations of the Panama Papers were published, most citizens still do not comprehend the extent of wealth...
Starbucks Introduces the Next Fall Favorite: the Latke Spice Latte
SEATTLE, WA - Sixteen years after introducing pumpkin spice consumers, Starbucks is finally bringing a worthy successor to its fall menu: the latke spice latte.
Kubrick+ Streaming Platform Only Offers Unskippable Version of Barry Lyndon
BURBANK, CA - The new streaming service, hailed by many as “revolutionary,” has made the bold decision to limit its entire catalog to the 1975 period drama, Barry Lyndon. Because...
Goldman Sachs CEO Arrested for Selling Unregulated Securities on Subway Platform
BROOKLYN, NY - The arrest of yet another “unauthorized vendor” in a New York City subway station has caused outrage with many criticizing the police for unnecessarily harassing an old...
Are Millenials Texting 'Here' Killing the Home Invasion Industry?
DETROIT, MI - Back in the good old days, just about anyone could go up to someone’s door and ring their doorbell to see if they were home. If no...
Failure to Launch: Only Content Available on Disney+ Animated Robin Hood Gifs
BURBANK, CA - The most anticipated launch of the streaming era hit a major snag this morning as Disney+, the vehicle by which Disney (DIS) plans to exclusively distribute their...
Cursed Teleconference Haunted by Ghost Mouse Pointer
BETHESDA, MD - It was a dark and story late afternoon when the assembled Sales and Operations teams at Chevy Chase Regional Bank, many from throughout the Greater D.C. area,...
Pulitzer Committee Adds New Category for Bojack Horseman Thinkpieces
NEW YORK CITY - Columbia University announced that this year’s Pulitzer Prize Board will consider a new category, Excellence in Bojack Horseman Thinkpiece Writing. Steve Coll, Dean of the Columbia...
Tiger Schulmann Karate Wins $10B Pentagon Contract to Train USMC
SAN DIEGO, CA - The Department of Defense awarded a $10 billion contract to Tiger Schulmann Karate (TSK) on Friday to overhaul the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP). The...
Fabergé Anal Beads Fail to Gain Traction with Consumers
MOSCOW - Citing “severe miscalculations” in both material science as well as human anatomy, the famed Fabergé workshop has halted production on all bespoke anal sex toys. “They may have...
Bailout Deal Allows SoftBank Execs to Steal Any Food They Want from WeWork Shared Fridges
NEW YORK CITY - After a disastrous IPO attempt, the We Company is reportedly offering SoftBank financiers whatever food they find in WeWork communal spaces to encourage an emergency bailout...
Subway Offering Tuition Assistance for Degrees in the Sandwich Arts
MILFORD, CT - Known for its fast food footlongs and overpowering bread smells, Subways Restaurants will soon add another bullet to its resume, patron of the arts. A new program...
NYC FakeTaxi Drivers Are Struggling in the Age of FakeUber
NEW YORK CITY - If you want to know the effect FakeUber and FakeLyft are having on New York City’s FakeTaxi yellow cabs, just take a ride in the backseat...
Starbucks Reserve Called Up for 3rd Wave Coffee Offensive
SEATTLE - The coffee chain Starbucks has issued emergency call up orders to hundreds of Reserve battalions in light of a new cold brew and ethically-sourced blitzkrieg by various small-batch...
Blizzard Launches WOW Quest Suspiciously Similar to Quelling Hong Kong Protests
HONG KONG, CHINA(?) - Activision Blizzard is in hot water again just weeks after facing backlash for censoring players who support the protests here in Hong Kong. The e-sport giant’s...
Pedestrians Flee 14th Street as Buses Overrun Lower Manhattan
14th and 5th Ave - Day five of the Buspocalypse continues as the new busway on 14th Street, intended to relieve traffic congestion, has in fact given the buses too...
Charles Schwab Offering Free Small Fries with Every Trade
NEW YORK CITY - On Tuesday, Charles Schwab (SCHW) announced that it would be providing a free small serving of French fries with every online trade — including U.S. stocks,...
Disney Announces New Collaboration with Summer's Eve
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In collaboration with Summer’s Eve brand feminine hygiene products, the Walt Disney Company has greenlit production of Beauty and the Yeast starring Emma Watson as a young...
Poke Bowl Craze Decimating Native Pokémon Populations
HONOLULU, HI - Pokémon stocks in throughout the nation are on the brink of collapse largely because authorities have allowed too many to be killed to support the glut of...
Hedging Investment, Altria Offers Menthols as Safe Alternative to Juul
RICHMOND, VA - Tobacco giant Altria (MO) is scrambling to protect their $13B investment in electronic cigarette make JUUL Labs as the vape manufacturers weathers a criminal probe amid a...
Barilla Halts Production of Farfalle for Being 'Pretty Gay'
PARMA, ITALY - Guido Barilla, the outspoken chairman of one of the market’s leading pasta manufacturers, is in hot water once again for his views on LGBT issues. Effective this...
Eva Longoria to Direct 'Flamin' Hot', The Life, Success, and Troubles of Chester Cheetah
HOLLYWOOD - Eva Longoria will direct Fox Searchlight’s “Flamin’ Hot,” a biopic about Chester Cheetah, the tragi-comic hero and inventor who founded the Cheetos Empire. Boredroom News first reported in...
Spirit of Halloween Store Spookily Early
EVERY AMERICAN CITY - Something dark is brewing in the abandoned Famous Footwear downtown. Under the cover of night, a mysterious figure from a faraway land (perhaps New Jersey) conjured...
Young Man Radicalized Online, Joins Extremist Capitalist Faction
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, UPPER MANHATTAN - It is harrowing story, but, unfortunately, an all-to-familiar one: a bright, young man descends into an online world that warps his mind with twisted ideologies...
Heavy Metals Mining Company Expands into Adult Contemporary
NYE COUNTY, NV - The Round Mountain Mine, an open-pit mine extracting gold and other heavy metals or over a hundred years, is adjusting its portfolio to include adult contemporary...
Half of All Startups Fails Because People like Dave Can't Get Their Shit Together
NEW YORK CITY - As a leading voice in the business community, Boredroom News has covered the journeys of hundreds of startups and have seen a pattern in these stories....
'Do What You Love and You'll Never Work a Day in Your Life' Proclaims Used Urinal Cake Taste Tester
PATTERSON, NJ - “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life,” proclaims used urinal cake taste tester.
Fed Undertakes Quantitative Pleasing Efforts to Get Everyone to Just Calm Down
WASHINGTON - With everyone from economists to small businesses watching the the Federal Reserve this week, Chairman Jerome H. Powell announced that the central bank would be enacting strong quantitative...
Real Estate Startup Arrears Transforms Foreclosed Houses into Strip Clubs
DAYTONA BEACH, FL - The 2008 housing bubble devastated few regions more than the Florida coast, but thankfully one startup has set aim for revitalizing the area. The real estate...
U.N. Contract to Airdrop Aid into Syria Awarded to Lunchables
DAMASCUS - The last resort of humanitarian aid has been valiantly taken up by the last resort of prepackaged meals as Lunchables has been selected to provide 15 tones of...
Gold Futures Down as Leprechaun Cabal Shows Signs of Breaking
DUBLIN, IRELAND - Commodities speculators this week are shedding gold futures in anticipation of a market flood. The storied Leprechaun cabal, which has artificially kept prices high for centuries by...
HR Adopts Haptic Feedback System
PHOENIX, AZ - The local human resources department of global accounting firm KPMG has implemented a haptic system to relay immediate feedback to employees. This novel form of communication uses...
Amazon Drones Protest Humane Conditions
SEATTLE, WA - Among the various strikes around the globe that have challenged the retail giant Amazon (AMZN), the latest comes from an dangerously overlooked segment of labor, robots. Autonomous...
Lloyd Blankfein and Sen. Sanders Settle Grievances New York-Style
NEW YORK CITY - Lloyd Blankfein and Sen. Sanders Settle Grievances New York-Style
Target Announces New Streaming Service from Security Camera Feeds
MINNEAPOLIS, MN - The summer blockbuster has evolved into the the summer binge-watch, and retail giant Target (TGT) is pivoting from purveyor of cheap plastic towel racks to one of...
Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts
NEW YORK CITY - Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts
New Rent Reform from Albany Allows Tenants to Crash at Landlord's Pad Just Whenever
ALBANY, NY - Sweeping changes from the New York State legislature have begun to restore rent regulations eroded by the real estate industry over decades, and have importantly enshrines the...
WeWork Launches Chain of Bespoke Brothels
NEW YORK CITY - Some of Midtown’s history will be returning later this year as WeWork, the unicorn co-working startup, has chosen 5 Times Square as the flagship location of...
Client Presentation Includes Entirety of Kubrick's 1975 Epic 'Barry Lyndon'
FORT WAYNE, IN - Sources have confirmed that last Thursday’s presentation to client executives, ostensibly about “Supply Chain Optimization,” did include a complete viewing of Stanley Kubrick’s period masterpiece, Barry...
Beyond Meat CEO Driven to Push Beyond All Other Corporeal Limitations As Well
EL SEGUNDO, CA - “Releasing ourselves from the burden of consuming flesh is only the beginning,” announced Ethan Brown to a rapt audience at the headquarters of Beyond Meat, the...
ExxonMobile Celebrates Pride Month by Dumping Rainbow Oil Sheen Across Arctic
ANCHORAGE, AK - In a show of solidarity with the LGBT community during Pride Month many companies have unveiled new logos that incorporates the rainbow flag, but only ExxonMobile has...
BREAKING: Target Will Close in Five Minutes
WILKES-BARRE, PA - Good evening, Super Target guests, our registers will close in five minutes. Please make your final selections and take your items to the registers located at the...
Ford Memorial Day Sale Now Explicitly in Honor of Both Sides
DETROIT, MI - In a Shocking move to some, but a progressive stance for a new era to others, the Ford Motor Company (F) announced that their annual Memorial Day...
Arby's Introduces Roast Beef & Cheddar with Extra Blockchain
ATLANTA, GA - Maybe the perfect topping on a “mountain of meat” really is a secure, decentralized currency; at least that’s what Arby’s (ARBY) is counting on with the launch...
Top Business School Bans Free Coffee, Cites 'Communist Scourge'
NEW YORK CITY, NY - The world of elite education is no stranger to controversy or ideology, but one institution may have gone too far; Columbia Business School has halted...
Callahan Auto Defeats Zalinsky Takeover Attempt
SANDUSKY, OH - A shocking week for Callahan Auto Parts came to a fortunate close today as new Chief Executive Thomas Callahan III successfully defended the firm from Chicago rival,...
TurboTax, Wesley Snipes Lobby Congress for Tax Reform
SAN DIEGO, CA - Politics often make strange bedfellow, even strange spokespeople, and tax law reform is no exception; Intuit (INTU), parent of TurboTax has teamed with actor Wesley Snipes...
Panhandler Extends Omni Channel Presence
AUSTIN, TX - As the digital revolution continues to spread, tech-savvy individuals in every industry have found success – and panhandling is no exception. Bivouacked on Red River Street between...
Management Tells Abraham to Bring Intern to Sacrifice
PITTSBURGH, PA - Early this week senior executives at Kraft Heinz (KHC) directed Director of Supply Chain Operations Robert Abraham to take his only MBA intern and sacrifice him as...
Hipster Bar Acquires OBGYN, Irish-Jewish Bagel Shop, and Lilypad Gardening Tool Rental
PORTLAND, OR - Pabst Beers, Pap Smears, Pat’s Schmears, and Pad Sheers to open in July of 2019.
Fox Revives 'Firefly' After Finding Trove of Unread Letters; 'We Didn't Know People Wanted This'
LOS ANGELES, CA - Stunned Fox executives hurriedly green-lit production of new episodes of beloved former television franchise Firefly on Wednesday after they realized that there had been nearly two...
Embattled Boeing Taps Ghost of Howard Hughes to Design, Pilot 737 Replacement
CHICAGO, IL - “There’s only one man we considered for the job;” announced Boeing Chief Executive Dennis Muilenburg, “Howard Hughes may have died over 40 years ago, but he’s still...
PepsiCo Sues Coca-Cola Over 'Misleading' Alpaca Blood Ad
ATLANTA, GA - The farmers in a recent commercial for Coca-Cola just wanted to protect their furry camelid friends, but PepsiCo is not amused. The ad, which first aired during...
Hudson Yards Opens Hunting Grounds for The Most Dangerous Game
NEW YORK, NY - Flocking to the newly-opened Hudson Yards, shoppers, tourists, and residents of the luxury apartment buildings will find another attraction this week, an open-air game preserve dedicated...
Unlike Undergraduate Scandal, 'MBA Admissions a Complete Meritocracy,' Says Student Whose Family Donated $10 Million
NEW YORK, NY - As the world of higher education reels from the indictments of actresses and millionaires in bribing undergraduate admissions departments, those in top business school can rest...
Philadelphia Returns to Wampum Currency to Combat 'Cashless' Retail
PHILADELPHIA, PA - This old school, physical currency might be the next wave of a more egalitarian economy in the City of Brotherly Love. Amid the trend of ‘cashless’ coffee...
Inessential Oils Startup Fails to Gain Traction in Local Facebook Group
GREENSBORO, NC - Despite a fervent marketing push across social media, recent inessential oils startup Scentique is struggling to break into the lucrative ecosystem of the Greensboro Buy/Sell + Small...
U.K. to be Set Adrift as No-Deal Brexit Looms
CALAIS, FRANCE - Citing a lack of progress in last-minute negotiations between the United Kingdom and the European Union, longshoremen have lined French beaches to cast off the British Isles...
Re-animated Corpse of Robespierre Dem Frontrunner in 2020
MANCHESTER, NH - The wide race for the 2020 Democratic presidential bid expanded today, as the re-animated corpse of French revolutionary Maximilien Robespierre announced his candidacy in New Hampshire. Recent...
Two-page Resume Only Internships, Interests
NEW YORK, NY - While sifting through a stack of applications this morning, hiring manager Danielle Carin was noticeably confused by a resume spanning two whole pages while containing only...
Trask Acquires Metro Radio for $19.5 Million
NEW YORK, NY - Trask Industries agreed to acquire the regional radio network Metro Radio Systems in a $19.5 billion bet on jump-starting its efforts to enter broadcast media as...
Bezos' Selfies had been Uploaded on Amazon Prime for Weeks Completely Unnoticed
SEATTLE, WA - As the saga of Amazon (AMZN) founder Jeff Bezos’ divorce, and threats of extortion by the National Enquirer over his lewd selfies unfolds, perhaps the most startling...
Lawsuit: McKinsey Peer Pressured into Fueling Opioid Crisis
BOSTON, MA - As the lawsuit against Purdue Pharma unfolds, the management consultancy McKinsey & Company is yet again drawn into the spotlight over their role in advising the maker...
HBO Theranos Doc to Focus on Holmes as Blood-stealing Vampire
PARK CITY, UT - At the Sundance Film Festival last weekend, Academy Award winner Alex Gibney debuted his latest collaboration with the HBO network, The Inventor: Out for Blood in...
Dutch East India Co. Still Betting Nutmeg Prices Will Bounce Back
BANDA ISLANDS, INDONESIA - Despite nearly four centuries of falling nutmeg prices, the Dutch East India Company (VOC) remains dedicated to the crop and is hopeful about the future. Following...
Denim Startup UnZippd Revolutionizes Wearing Pants
NEW YORK, NY - As a dude with a sometimes uncomfortably large bulge, finding jeans that fit me is a hassle; and if I want stylish denim that won’t break...
Bodega Cat Promoted to CFO
127th & FREDERICK DOUGLAS BLVD - Gourmet & Deli Bodega has tapped Rocky, a gray tabby, as their Chief Financial Officer on Tuesday. Rocky, who joined the firm in 2012,...
McKinsey Had History of Assisting Middle East Regimes
JERUSALEM - Reports bribing to Ukrainian oligarchs, helping China build internment camps, siphoning public funds in South Africa; 2018 was a hard year for McKinsey & Company in the press....
After Contentious Bidding War, Al's Liquor 'n' Loan Announces HQ2 Across the Street
LONG ISLAND CITY, QUEENS - After nine months of searching , Al’s Liquor n’ Loan as officially announced that they have chosen the northwest corner of 46 Ave and Vernon...
Vanguard Adviser Also Passively Managing Own Life
MALVERN, PA - Mid-level fund adviser Donald Burton at The Vanguard Group has extended his investment strategy of passive management into his personal life. Instead of seeking out social activities,...
