SEATTLE - The coffee chain Starbucks has issued emergency call up orders to hundreds of Reserve battalions in light of a new cold brew and ethically-sourced blitzkrieg by various small-batch coffee purveyors across America. Chief Executive Kevin Johnson has given the these Reservists complete autonomy to utilize whatever brewing methods they deem necessary to launch a bold, earthy counter-offensive.
A Starbucks’ spokesperson said intelligence assessments called for the deployment of barista reserves; last August’s infiltration of previously-ungentrified neighborhoods from Greenpoint, Brooklyn to Inglewood, L.A., by single-origin, shade-grown roasting factions necessitated the additional manpower.
“This signifies that Starbucks regards this third-wave coffee movement as a legitimate threat,” the vice president of marketing and defense, Bill Danberg, said on Tuesday night, “cold-brew options are still on the table.”
The various Macha and Boba Tea situations are also in flux, Danberg said, “and Starbucks needs full-bodied response greater than $3 cake pops this time.”
One of the reservists summoned told Boredroom News he hadn’t expected his call-up letter until next year since he was only released from active duty on the front lines last July. The company has vowed to curb such scheduling practices in the past, but officials have reminded employees that “service to the Empire and minimum wage is reward enough for their sacrifice.”