Finance
Blood Bank Repossesses Woman's Blood after She Fails to Repay Transfusion
NEWTOWN, OH – A local woman is in dire straits again five months after surviving a near-fatal car accident because the blood she received from her local blood bank has...
Report: Ultra-Rich Hermit Crabs Hiding Assets in Caribbean Shell Companies
ST. GEORGE’S, GRENADA - Although nearly four years have passed since the explosive revaluations of the Panama Papers were published, most citizens still do not comprehend the extent of wealth...
Goldman Sachs CEO Arrested for Selling Unregulated Securities on Subway Platform
BROOKLYN, NY - The arrest of yet another “unauthorized vendor” in a New York City subway station has caused outrage with many criticizing the police for unnecessarily harassing an old...
Charles Schwab Offering Free Small Fries with Every Trade
NEW YORK CITY - On Tuesday, Charles Schwab (SCHW) announced that it would be providing a free small serving of French fries with every online trade — including U.S. stocks,...
Summer Analyst with Return Offer Now Says Every Number in BPS
ANN ARBOR, MI - Former Citigroup Summer Analyst, Dylan Hartigan, returned to campus this week after receiving a full-time offer of employment after graduation. By referring to all numbers in...
Young Man Radicalized Online, Joins Extremist Capitalist Faction
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, UPPER MANHATTAN - It is harrowing story, but, unfortunately, an all-to-familiar one: a bright, young man descends into an online world that warps his mind with twisted ideologies...
Gold Futures Down as Leprechaun Cabal Shows Signs of Breaking
DUBLIN, IRELAND - Commodities speculators this week are shedding gold futures in anticipation of a market flood. The storied Leprechaun cabal, which has artificially kept prices high for centuries by...
Paddington Heads to Portobello; Analysts Warn of Bear Market
LONDON - The worst fears of of isolationist Britons materialized today as an immigrant’s Notting Hill shopping expedition threatened to unleash a bear market. Paddington, known Windsor Gardens resident and...
Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts
NEW YORK CITY - Epstein Long on Immature Puts; Called on Loosing Shorts
How Deutsche Bank is Slimming Down for Bikini Season
FRANKFURT, GERMANY - Summer is finally here! But not every multi-national financial institution is fit and ready for the beach, and one, Deutsche Bank, has decided that it’s time to...
Callahan Auto Defeats Zalinsky Takeover Attempt
SANDUSKY, OH - A shocking week for Callahan Auto Parts came to a fortunate close today as new Chief Executive Thomas Callahan III successfully defended the firm from Chicago rival,...
Defying Patagonia, Columbia Sportswear Vest Specifically for High Performance Finance
BEAVERTON, WA - Although rivals have eschewed finance professionals, the Columbia Sportswear Company is leaning into the demographic by releasing a new line of fleece vests that have been specifically...
Embattled Boeing Taps Ghost of Howard Hughes to Design, Pilot 737 Replacement
CHICAGO, IL - “There’s only one man we considered for the job;” announced Boeing Chief Executive Dennis Muilenburg, “Howard Hughes may have died over 40 years ago, but he’s still...
Papal Indulgence Market Bullish After Pope Denounces Sexual Abusers
VATICAN CITY - Reacting to Pope Francis’ condemnation of sexual abuse at a Vatican summit last week, indulgence trading desks at the Holy See expect strong demand as many more...
IBM Rebrands Red Hat, Will Focus on Legacy Windows 98 Support
ARMONK, NY - Accelerating cloud computing was the goal when IBM acquired Red Hat(RHT) last October, and now the technology giant has announced that the former open-source darling will be...
Trask Acquires Metro Radio for $19.5 Million
NEW YORK, NY - Trask Industries agreed to acquire the regional radio network Metro Radio Systems in a $19.5 billion bet on jump-starting its efforts to enter broadcast media as...
Hedge Fund Manager Specializes in Emotionally Distressed Value Dating
NEW YORK, NY - Realizing that the New York City dating scene was no longer providing satisfactory returns, local finance professional Jason Harner has turned to alternative markets to find...
Is the Global Pineapple Market the Next Big Bubble?
OMAHA, NE - How much do we really know about pineapples? I know that they’re all around us, they’re supposed to be “tropical” but no one can tell me when...
Duke & Duke Collapses Under Commodities Futures
PHILADELPHIA, PA - Duke & Duke Commodity Brokers, one of the largest brokerage firms in Philadelphia, has collapsed after the first day of trading this year after the United States...
Sexual Harassment Condoned at Uber to Temper IPO Expectations
SAN FRANCISCO - Having filed it’s S-1 with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last days of 2018, the ride-hailing service Uber is expected to launch it’s initial public...
BREAKING: Caped Crusader Spotted on Wall Street
NEW YORK CITY, NY - A mysterious figure was spotted in Downtown Manhattan late Friday night. Reports of the same individual or individuals have been rippling throughout the Financial District...
Warren Recommends: Dirty Lemon
Hello there, Investing Buddies, Do you own everything from Goop that comes in rose gold? Do you say that “broad city” is you spirit animal but live in a Chelsea...
