SAN DIEGO, CA - The Department of Defense awarded a $10 billion contract to Tiger Schulmann Karate (TSK) on Friday to overhaul the Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP). The 20-year contract will cede virtually all administration and instruction of the USMC’s hand-to-hand combat training regimen to the famed dojo led by Daniel ‘Tiger’ Schulmann.
“We are honored to continue the MCMAP legacy,” Mr. Schulmann said in a prepared statement, “as well as raise the curriculum to the needs of the Marine Corps in the 21st century.” The program will de-emphasize techniques such as bayonet stabs and eye-gouging to focus more on body-positivity and how to lead a healthy lifestyle. “Most Marines will never clear trenches at Belleau Wood or experience any close-quarters combat outside the bars in Twentynine Palms; each class is carefully designed to boost confidence and give Marines the skills they need to stand up to the junior NCOs who bully them on base.”
Many Marines are understandable jostled with the new direction of MCMAP, but some see the necessity due to changes in American culture. “Sure, the knife combat I learned in MCMAP saved my life in Fallujah countless times,” admits Gunnery Sargent Robert Stahl, “but no mom is going to drop off their baby boy at boot camp unless we teach them how to build self-confidence and lasting friendships in a safe, supportive environment.”