ARMONK, NY – With better-than-expected earnings to round out the last quarter, senior leadership at Big Blue (IBM) announced during their annual earnings call how they intend to generate value for their “dipshit clients” as they shift to more unprofessional services offerings.
Ginni Rommetty, IBM’s current chief executive and self-proclaimed “big, bad bitch,” who is leading the change throughout the century-old organization, was optimistic. “Shit’s definitely going down,” Ms. Rommetty mumbled as she kicked off her shoes and lit what appeared to be a large cannabis blunt from her purse, “and IBM’s gonna run train. Look, we’re blowing clouds bigger than Snoop,” as she puffed smoke into the press room to emphasize the extend of their Watson capabilities.
Many market analysts believe the consolidation of the Global Business and Technology offerings under the single “Unprofessional Services” umbrella is key to IBM’s success. “Clients expect change to flow from our core values,” explains Mark Foster, senior vice president of the organization, “and we are fully committed to shirking all responsibility to our clients, putting short term profits first, and really just being intellectually dishonest. I really do think that we can create an overall culture of fear and distrust throughout IBM to ensure strict adherence to these principles at any cost.”
When questioned by members of the press, Mr. Foster made an obscene gesture and and kicked the podium over as he left the stage.