UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, LOWER MANHATTAN - The Society of Baphomet, an ancient cult devoted to orgiastic rites, held their first networking get-together of the spring this week in a cavernous, underground lair located somewhere in the depths of New York City. Formally attended by only the wealthiest and most connected members of high society, the Society of Baphomet recently opened their doors, and legs, to a wider array of students, professionals, and entrepreneurs in hopes of bringing in new participants to the sex-fueled worship of their Dark Master.
High Priestess Azhorra-the-Maleficent Leibowitz, an accountant at Ernst & Young, insists that the recent changes to the group would be beneficial in the long run, “The traditional Black Baptism of complete sexual depravity has always been a staple [of the Society], but as we approach the new decade, some of the Elder Council think it’s necessary to bring in fresh recruits to both exchange information about professional services in the city and to fuck senseless in the name of the Great Satan. We’ve had a lot of success promoting the events in sexual séances throughout the Netherworld as well as local Meetup.com pages; it’s been great all around.”
However, some kings and kingmakers bemoaned the shift in priorities. One such acolyte, who did not wish to be named in this article for fear of being outed as servants to a Deviant God or inundated with random LinkedIn requests, said “I’m all for anonymously fucking anyone behind the mask in a formal blood ritual every night of the week, but ‘what do you do? where do you work?’ questions are just awkward and tedious.”
“Besides, exchanging information becomes a chore, as each stack of business cards gets fused together by various bodily fluids. Sometimes I’m afraid there’s not enough emphasis on filling all our holes with Lord Baphomet’s 13 spiked dicks anymore.”